Feel Alive
by OMWG
Summary: When violet eyes get brighter, and heavy wings grow lighter, I'll taste the sky and feel alive again. And I'll forget the world that I knew, but I swear I won't forget you. Jagan. Slash.


**OMWGNOTE: **Hi. First off, I'd like to say that this is basically a Jagan version of 'He Lives On', making it pretty much an altered version of that story. But that's okay because I wrote 'He Lives On' and I can do whatever I want with it. But if you've read that story, then you know this one will be horribly sad, though this one turns out more…honderfully (horrible and wonderful).

To make things less confusing, I'll let you know now that this goes back and forth between past and present. It starts with past and it'll end with present. There are two scenes that have dots in between them and that means they're on the same day.

So turn on the Big Time Rush album because otherwise you'll cry. Sorry.

**WARNING: **Character deaths.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Big Time Rush or any characters affiliated with the show.

* * *

Logan was absolutely terrified.

As he sat in the waiting room with Kendall and Carlos, he didn't know if his fear was rational or not. James being a former cancer patient, Logan had come to expect the worst from visits to the hospital. But not all of his experiences in the hospital had been horrible. In fact, one stood out to him—the time that James came into the waiting room with a smile on his face, informing Logan and Kendall and Carlos that he was okay, that his cancer was gone and they could return to normal life.

That had happened almost two years ago. James' cancer had been the last thing on Logan's mind during the past two years. James was the winner, the cancer _survivor. _Actually, once Logan had seen on a commercial that once people were diagnosed with cancer, they were considered cancer survivors. But Logan felt like James was better because he actually got rid of the horrible disease. But past fears had resurfaced when his boyfriend began feeling under the weather around a week ago. But maybe Logan was just being paranoid. Just because James was feeling sick didn't mean the disease that had threatened James' life and their relationship was back to haunt them again.

But Logan had read about cancer patients who had gone into remission. About how they were fine for months, several years even, but then the cancer came back. Logan knew that most of the time, second-round cancer patients didn't make it too long after the second diagnosis.

He prayed that James' cancer wasn't back. Logan didn't think he would be able to handle a sick James again, and he knew that he would definitely lose it all if James died this time.

He hoped that the two and a half hours he and his friends had been in the waiting room was only to bring good news. And even if it wasn't good, he would take anything but lymphoma. If something had to be wrong, Logan hoped James had the swine flu, or pneumonia, or even some sort of weird viral infection that would turn James yellow for several weeks. Logan really meant it when he said _anything_ but cancer.

Just thinking about the word made Logan queasy.

He felt even more queasy just being in the hospital. The white walls were something he had grown too accustomed to. The waiting room, the bustle of doctors and nurses. Crying families, the pang in his chest that came with the anticipation—all had become unpleasantly familiar to Logan.

He had always imagined that the hospital would become a second home for him. However, his fantasies usually had him in the white coat, not the one in the waiting room trying not to cry.

Logan shouldn't even be worrying. Maybe James would come back with good news. Maybe it was just the flu. Maybe Logan had become too used to expecting the worse. Maybe he should actually let himself _hope_.

But Logan seemed to forget that every time he sent hope into the sky, it would come hurtling right back down and he would have to watch it crash.

That's exactly what happened.

Because just then, he saw James walking towards them. Even from far away Logan could see the change in James' demeanor. There was something about the way he was carrying himself, walking slowly with his shoulders slumped and his eyes on his feet. But then James looked up, and even from far away Logan could see the puffy eyes and hopeless expression James wore, telltale signs that he had been crying.

Logan's heart fell out of his chest and onto the floor at the same time his hope made a crash landing into the earth.

Kendall, Carlos and Logan all stood at the same time, waiting silently and trying not to throw up as James finally reached them. No one spoke for a moment, as if to put off the words they knew were coming but they didn't want to hear.

It was James who broke the silence, clearing his throat as he stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"They ran so many tests," He told them, as if that would justify the news he was about to break. "They ran so many tests and it was all for nothing. They got the same result every time."

"James—" Logan began, his voice shaky. But James wouldn't let him finish.

"It came back," James informed them hopelessly. Logan was sure that by now all of the rest of his organs had fallen out and now lay strewn across the floor among his heart. "But now it's worse."

Now Logan was sure he could feel his bones deteriorating beneath his skin.

"Worse?" Carlos whispered. "How could it be worse?"

James smiled sadly. "Carlos, they gave me six months to live. And even then, they said that six months is a really generous amount of time."

Logan felt like James had just thrown a bucket of cold water on him and now he was melting, slowly becoming nothing but a puddle on the floor.

"I'm going to die, guys," James said, and his smile was broken by a loud sob.

Kendall sighed, fighting back his own tears. "Oh, James," He said.

James' sob had started a chain reaction among the other boys and soon they were all crying. And like some sort of magnet drawing them together, they soon found themselves in a four-way hug, clinging onto one another so tightly that it hurt.

But none of them were willing to let go. They stood there for what seemed like hours because they were afraid that when they let go, it would hurt far worse.

* * *

Logan had always been told that time heals all wounds. That if you just wait a little while, the pain won't be as bad anymore and you'll be okay. But Logan wasn't sure that he believed that.

It had been three months. Three months to the very day and Logan was sure that it was only a few hours until the exact hour, the exact minute. Though he had no idea when the exact time had been, and he couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. He knew he would be obsessing over that time for the rest of his life and he it would make his heart hurt every time he looked at the clock and _bam_, it was right there.

But back to more important matters: time does _not_ heal all wounds. Maybe Logan hadn't been waiting long enough. Maybe it took _longer_ than three months. But to Logan, three months had seemed like forever in his eyes.

To him, it had been too long he had been sleeping alone, staring at the empty place next to his on the bed every night. To him, the silence was terrible, and looking down at his hands and knowing another one should be intertwined with his made it so much worse. To him, life wasn't even worth living, and that scared him.

But Logan knew that he wouldn't want that. Actually, he had told Logan exactly what _not_ to do after he died. But Logan still found it incredibly hard. Every day hurt more than the last.

They say that time heals all wounds. But Logan begs to differ.

Time makes wounds worse.

Instead of them healing and getting better, finally scabbing over and just becoming scars and memories of a more difficult time, Logan felt like his wounds were reopened every day. And then as the day progressed, it was like someone was pouring salt and lemon juice and everything that made the pain worse all over his open wounds, laughing as they did so.

Logan hated it. He couldn't take it anymore. He had always had a high tolerance for pain but this was nearly unbearable.

Calling out to whoever was still home that he was going out, Logan left the house with a plan on his mind.

Maybe this would end the pain.

* * *

Logan opened his tired eyes on the morning of James' twenty-first birthday to find that he was alone, the birthday boy nowhere in sight. He felt the corners of his mouth turn downwards almost involuntarily, the empty space where James should be bothering him more than it should. While he was frowning mostly out of disappointment for not waking up to James, he was also frowning because ever since James had been told he had six months to live, Logan hated spending more than one minute away from him. Sleep took away a lot of quality time he could have spent with his dying boyfriend, and now Logan didn't even know where James was.

Sighing, Logan forced himself to sit up. His tired muscles were screaming in protest but he ignored them, setting his mind on discovering where James was. He yawned before pushing the covers away from his body and sliding out of bed, stretching for a moment before making his way out of the room that he and James shared.

His feet made soft noises as they padded across the hardwood floor of the hallway in their new apartment, them having moved out of the Palm Woods and back to Minnesota a few days after James' cancer had come back. It had been sudden, but it was for the best. He heard three voices coming from the kitchen area and immediately recognized them as James, Kendall and Carlos. However, while the three people he knew so well were usually joking and laughing, their conversation sounded ridiculously serious. Logan stopped just outside of the doorway, trying not to feel bad for eavesdropping.

"—gave you six months three weeks ago, James," He heard Carlos say. "You've still got a good five months left in you."

"I think the doctors were wrong, Carlos," James said quietly. "It's been so hard to do everything these past few days. I think I wasted my supply of energy for the day just getting out of bed and coming in here."

Logan felt worry invade his system and clench his heart and lungs painfully, making it hard to breathe. Sure, he had noticed James' deteriorating strength in the past few weeks, but Logan thought that just came with cancer. James had barely been able to pick up his own toothbrush when things had gotten really bad the first time around, but it didn't mean he was dying. But now James was dying and Logan's boyfriend seemed to be sure that this event would be just around the corner. He was glad Kendall spoke to cover up the soft whimper he let out.

"Stop talking like that, James," Kendall told him. "It's your twenty-first birthday. You're supposed to be hitting the clubs and drinking legally, not talking about your death over breakfast."

James sighed, saying, "Kendall, if I didn't have to talk about my death over breakfast I wouldn't. But I know that I'm not going to last much longer, and we need to get some things settled now before it's too late." It was silent for a moment before he said, "Carlos, please stop crying."

Logan heard Carlos let out a whimper, and he had to stick his fist in his mouth to avoid letting out his own. "You're dying," Carlos told him. "I'm not going to be okay with that. I'm going to cry now and I'm going to cry when you're not here anymore. Deal with it."

James sighed again and Logan imagined that his boyfriend had his face in his hands because when he replied, his voice was muffled. "Fine," He said, and for the first time Logan noticed how _tired_ James sounded. He imagined how hard it was for James to get up every morning and begin another battle with his cancer. And according to James, he was losing.

"James, just—just what is it that you need us to know?" Kendall asked, and he sounded as tired as James. Carlos' soft cries began to sound funny, and Logan assumed it was because he had his head buried in Kendall's shoulder.

It was silent for several minutes and Logan was afraid that James had dozed off like he had been doing so often lately. He was about to leave before James spoke again. "I need you to take care of Logan," He heard his boyfriend say, and again he felt a crushing force enveloping his heart and lungs. This time, the worry had been joined with panic, successfully bringing tears to form in Logan's eyes and make his throat feel choked. "Because this cancer may be killing me, but I think it's killing Logan more. I know I'm going to die. I don't want to, but I've accepted it. And I'm afraid that when I do die, Logan won't accept it. All I'm asking of you is to be there for Logan when it happens, because he's all I'm worried about right now."

Logan heard Carlos begin to cry harder, and he knew that Kendall was crying too from the way his voice cracked several times. "What about us?" He asked with a horribly weak voice, and Logan was glad he wasn't seeing the strongest person he knew break down. "I mean, you're our best friend. It's not like you're going to die and we're going to be okay with it. I don't know how you've even accepted the fact that you're going to—to die. Because none of us have."

"You're going to die, too. No one lives forever," James reminded them, completely avoiding the subject.

Carlos made another horrible noise that made Logan want to die as he said, "But you're going to die first and way before the rest of us. Can't you just live longer?"

"I wish I could say yes, Carlos," James replied sadly. "But I can't. I've tried everything. I did the chemotherapy and lost my _hair_ because of it. I did the bone marrow transplant. And yeah, when I went into remission at nineteen I thought it was going to be okay too. But its back and Carlos, they gave me six months to live. You said earlier that I had a good five months left, but I don't. I _know_ I don't. This stupid lymphoma is killing me and there's nothing I can do about."

Logan heard Carlos let out another cry but didn't stick around long enough to hear either of his friends' responses to what James had said. Instead he clamped a hand over his mouth and walked as briskly and quietly as he could back to the room that he and James shared and once he was inside, he shut the door behind him as quietly as he could.

His near-silence came to an end when he practically collapsed on to he and James' bed, the horrible sobs he had already begun producing muffled by the pillow he had pressed his face into.

Logan didn't know how long he cried. He didn't know he had _this _many tears in him but he obviously did. He cried and sobbed and shook and he couldn't stop because the only thing that was on his mind was the prospect of James being gone, of him actually dying, his heartbeat non-existent and no air going in and out of his lungs. He thought of how when it happened, he wouldn't ever be able to talk to James again. He wouldn't be able to hold James' hand or kiss him or love him and be loved back.

Logan had no idea when his tears stopped coming or when he fell asleep, but he was glad that he did. Unconsciousness was his cowardly way of getting out of what he didn't want to face in reality.

…

"Come on, sleepy head," Logan heard James say, pulling him halfway out his slumber. He rolled away from the voice and buried his head further into his pillow, groaning. "Logan, seriously," James said, laughing lightly. "You've slept almost the entire day away. It's my _biiiiirthdaaaaay_, I want you to get up!"

Logan's eyes snapped open. He had completely forgotten about James' birthday.

He sat up before asking, "What time is it?"

James laughed again. "Around 9:30. At night."

Guilt washed over Logan and he frowned, looking out the window and seeing that it was, in fact, dark. "You weren't lying when you said I've slept the entire day away," Logan said. "I'm sorry, James. I wasted your birthday sleeping. And I feel even more horrible because I totally forgot to get you anything."

He looked at James to see his boyfriend with his hands on his hips. "You know, I really want to watch _The Lion King_," James told him. "Maybe you could make it up to me by watching it with me? Kendall and Carlos are too busy _'secretly'_ making out in their room and I don't want the greatest tale of all time ruined by their…noises."

"Kendall and Carlos secretly make out?" Logan asked, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

James nodded sincerely. "Yeah, they think that we don't know. Well, they think that _you_ don't know, which is true because you only ever pay attention to me. Which," James added, trying to ease the glare that Logan had suddenly picked up. "Is something I _love love love _about you. But anyway, now you know. Maybe if you took you eyes off my pants for a few minutes you would actually notice. It's really obvious when you look at it." At the end of his rant, James extended a hand for Logan to take.

Logan laughed, taking James' hand to help him out of bed. He tried to ignore the fact that he had to do all of the work himself, that James wasn't even strong enough to help someone as small as Logan out of bed. But Logan shoved this thought into the back of his mind, knowing that he had to suppress his sadness in order to ensure the remainder of James' birthday was great.

When he was up and standing he leaned up and pecked James on the cheek, smiling. "Well, make sure to remind me to pay less attention to your pants next time they're around," Logan said, smiling. James smiled in return and Logan added, "Now let's go watch _the greatest tale of all time_, birthday boy."

By the time it was 9:45, Logan and James had situated themselves on the couch, bodies pressed together as the beginning of the movie began to play. Logan smiled upon seeing James grin in excitement as the sun began to rise on the television and the opening song began to play.

"You know," Logan commented. "It really sounds like they're saying, 'pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom' in the beginning sequence of _The Circle of Life_."

James gave him a strange look, thinking about what his boyfriend just said. After listening to the music blasting from the television speakers and comparing it to what Logan said, he nodded. "You're right," He told his boyfriend. "Now _shhh_, this is my _movie_!"

Logan only laughed again, but after that, he remained silent. He knew that James didn't like to be interrupted when watching _The Lion King_. The boy knew every single line and every word to every song, and often spoke before the characters would and sang along to the musical breaks, causing Logan to lightly smack his arm every few minutes when it got too annoying.

It got to the point in the movie where Scar tricked Simba into waiting for his "surprise" that his father had for him, and Logan didn't think he could watch Mufasa die this time. It would remind him too much of the conversation he had overheard today, and he already had trouble fighting back tears when Mufasa was talking to Simba about death.

"I've watched this movie thousands of times, and yet every single time I think the outcome is going to be different, that Mufasa _won't_ die," James said suddenly, looking towards Logan with unshed tears in his eyes. "But then it gets to this part and the hyenas are just talking about this whole master plan that Scar has and I remember that the movie is going to stay the same every time I watch it. And then I cry."

"I know," Logan said. "I've never seen you not cry while watching this movie." He smiled as James smacked his leg lightly. "But I'm going to go to the bathroom, so I'll be right back."

He made a move to get up but James grabbed his wrist. "_Noooooo_," He whined. "You'll miss Mufasa dying!"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, because it will be the worst thing in the world if I miss a cartoon lion meeting his death," he told his boyfriend. "And besides, you might miss it too. Don't think I've missed how you've been dozing off every thirty seconds."

"I would _never_ doze off during such a rough time for Simba," James informed him. "It would be cruel. And I think it's cruel that you're leaving him during a time like this."

A smile graced Logan's features. "Well, tell Simba that I'm sorry, but I really have to pee. I'll make it up to him another time, okay? I'll be right back." And cutting off any protest from James, he pressed his lips against his boyfriend's. They remained like that for a few moments before Logan could hear dramatic music coming from behind him. He pulled away, smiling. "The stampede is starting. Be strong, if not for me then for Simba."

James picked up the remote from beside him, reaching his arm around Logan to point it towards the television and pause the movie. He threw the remote on the empty space on the couch next to him and then pulled Logan closer to him, and at this point Logan was practically sitting on his lap. "The stampede magically stopped. Oh no," James whispered before placing his hands on Logan's hips and pulling him even closer, bringing his lips back to Logan's.

Logan sighed against James' lips and tried to fight a smile. "What about supporting Simba through a rough time?" Logan asked in between kisses.

He felt James smile. "Screw Simba," he muttered, pulling Logan impossibly closer and reinitiating their kiss.

"You were the one worried about Simba in the first place and now you're abandoning him," Logan said, pulling away from James for a second so his words would be clearer. "So screw you."

James pushed Logan off him and when Logan opened his eyes, James was smirking at him. "Go ahead," James said, his eyebrows raised.

Logan laughed and smacked him. "Maybe later," He said. "But seriously, I have to pee."

"Go pee later," James whined. "It's my birthday and you didn't get me a present. I think that entitles me to making out as much as I want."

Logan laughed again. "I thought my present was watching _The Lion King_ with you," He said. "But if you want to make out, we can. But _after_ I pee. I think it would be a total mood killer if I peed all over myself, don't you?"

Sighing, James said, "Fine, go pee. But I'm watching _The Lion King_ without you. And don't complain when I get too into the movie and won't let you even touch me."

James smacked Logan as a look of mock horror crossed his boyfriend's face. "Then I guess I'll just have to wait until after the movie," Logan told him.

"Or maybe I won't let you touch me for the rest of the night, or the rest of the week, or the rest of the month," James said.

Logan pecked James before saying, "Well I guess that's something I'll have to live with." But although his words were light, he was secretly scared. Maybe he _shouldn't_ go pee. Judging by the conversation he had overheard this morning, James didn't think he had much time left. But a voice in the back of his mind told him that if James really _did_ think he was going to die, he wasn't going to hold back on he and Logan's relationship.

With that thought in mind, he smiled at James and got up, and as he was walking away from the couch he heard the dramatic music from the television resume and Logan knew that now James would be too sad to make-out.

But Logan would have to live with that. He really didn't want to pee all over James.

After he relieved himself and he finished washing his hands, he came out of the bathroom, trying to make his way back to the living room as slowly as possible. But when he got there, watching the television from the doorway, he realized that he came back at exactly the time he didn't want to. He watched as Mufasa fell to his death and couldn't stop the tears that began to stream down his face. It reminded him horribly of James and the conversation he had with Carlos and Kendall this morning and he _hated_ it.

Wiping at his tears, he returned to his seat on the couch. Looking to his left, he noticed the tears on James' cheeks, but was surprised to find that the boy in question was sleeping soundly. _So much for supporting Simba through a rough time, _Logan thought.

Logan shook James' shoulder gently, getting momentarily distracted by the scene of Simba running to find Mufasa from where he was safely perched. He shook his head and turned back to James, shaking his boyfriend's shoulder again. "Come on, James. Simba needs you to be there for him," He said, smiling and moving to wipe James' tears away. "And I promised you a make-out session. C'mon, wakey-wakey."

But even tempting his boyfriend with a make-out session didn't get a response from him, and his smile immediately faded when he noticed something important, something he should have noticed right away.

James was completely still. And Logan automatically knew even through the haze that had suddenly filled his mind that this was a bad thing.

It meant that James wasn't breathing.

Hysteria washed over Logan and he didn't even try to fight back the tears this time. "James?" He called, shaking James' shoulder again. "James, come on. Don't die on me, you're not allowed to die. Wake up wake up _wake up_!" But James remained still.

Logan was really beginning to panic now. "_Carlos! Kendall!_" He screamed, and he sounded like a crazy person but he didn't find himself caring. James wasn't _waking up_ and he was freaking the hell out.

He heard the sound of a door opening and soon enough Kendall and Carlos ran into the room, faces panicked and lips swollen. Logan tried to ignore the fact that James called it that they were secretly making out in their room.

"What is it?" Kendall asked breathlessly. Logan didn't know whether the lack of air going in and out of Kendall's lungs was because he had just ran into the room or because he had just been making out with Carlos or both, but he didn't care.

"James," He sobbed. "H-he's not breathing, and Mufasa, and James, and get help, he—he can't die, he just _can't_."

Carlos and Kendall ran forward at the beginning of Logan's rant, and as Carlos wrapped his arms around Logan's shaking form, he noticed that the TV was playing _The Lion King_ behind them. Carlos watched over Logan's shoulder as Simba pressed into the dead and broken form of his father, tears streaming down his face. Carlos knew that it was only a cartoon, but he had to bite back a laugh at the horrible irony.

Logan tried to pull away from Carlos but his friend only held on tighter. He watched through his blurry vision as Kendall pressed two fingers to the side of James' neck, obviously feeling for a pulse or any form of life at all. "Kendall, we have to get him to the hospital," Logan sobbed, surprised that the words were coming out coherently. "We still have time, he doesn't have to die—"

"He's already gone, Logan," Kendall said, and although his back was turned, Logan knew that Kendall himself was crying. When he turned towards Logan and looked at him with incredibly sad eyes and an already tear-streaked face, Logan knew he was right. "He's dead."

It was eerily silent for a moment, the only thing registering was Scar's voice from the television.

"_Run away, Simba. Run away and never return_."

Running away was exactly what Logan wanted to do. But instead he stayed where he was, burying his head into Carlos' shoulder and crying harder as he felt Kendall's arms wrap around him as well. It just reminded him that an important part of their four-piece puzzle was gone. It reminded him that the other half of his heart was gone.

And it made him realize that his desire to live was gone as well.

* * *

Logan tried to hold his composure together as he drove to the cemetery, he really did. And he was all good the first ten minutes or so, but then he remembered where he was going and the tears started before he could even think about stopping them.

In the three months since James' death, Logan hadn't visited the grave once. He found that driving to his crappy job with Kendall at the local supermarket caused him to pass by the site every day, and even just doing that made it harder for him to breathe.

Every one of those days he would look towards the cemetery with tears in his eyes, knowing exactly where James was buried even though there was no headstone yet. They had ordered one the same day that they bought the grave plot.

But that wasn't all they had done that day.

They didn't buy one grave plot; they bought two, side by side. And James' name wouldn't be the only one on the headstone.

It gave Logan small comfort that after his death, he was already taken care of. He would be laid to rest by James and they would share a headstone, complete with a picture of the two of them and made from the finest stone out there. Of course, Logan wasn't sure if his casket would be as extravagant as James' had been, but that was okay.

James deserved the best. He always had, even after death.

Being lost in his own thoughts made Logan not even realize that he was approaching the cemetery. Quickly snapping back into reality, he made the right turn onto the uneven ground and drove only a few feet before he parked his car.

In a town like Little Marais, there wasn't a huge cemetery that took over several acres, all filled with markers remembering the dead. No, the cemetery James was buried in was quite small and actually, James and Logan had gotten the last two plots in the entire area. This made it so Logan didn't have to wander through headstones dating back to the 1600's and only had to walk a few feet from his car to where James was buried.

_You can do this_.

For some reason, ever since James died Logan's thoughts had been coming to him in James' voice. It used to kill him to hear it and he used to clear his mind of everything. But soon after he realized that he forgot what James' voice actually sounded like, and he had been over-thinking ever since. He wasn't sure if this made him crazy or not but he would take it.

Trying to keep a normal breathing pattern, Logan stepped out of his car and slammed the door shut behind him. The noise sounded extra loud in the peaceful cemetery and Logan shuddered a bit. It worsened when he began walking and his feet were noisily crunching the leaves that littered the grassy area around him.

Even the dead leaves on the ground reminded him of James. His boyfriend had always loved the autumn, something Logan had never been able to understand. Autumn was cold and it was the season where everything began to die away. It was so void of life and energy and Logan couldn't grasp how such a happy person could love a season like autumn.

When Logan had asked him about it, James had promptly told him that autumn was his favorite because of all of the beauty. The changing colors was James' favorite, but there was something else James had told him that always stood out to Logan.

"_Everything dies in autumn," Logan said, looking outside his window. He frowned as he watched yet another leaf fall to the ground. "I don't understand why you like it so much."_

"_Well," James began. "Autumn is really the only season where you can have apple pie, and apple pie is fantastic. And there's also the fact that all the bugs magically disappear, and you _know_ how much I hate bugs. The weather is sort of nice, too. You know, not too hot, not too cold."_

"_James, spring has the same weather. And everything is more lively," Logan interrupted._

_James laughed. "But that, Logie, is exactly why I hate spring. More lively means more bugs. I still hate bugs. And more lively also means that things need to grow, and that means there has to be rain."_

_Logan smiled, saying, "But there also has to be sunshine. And besides, rain is fun."_

"_You just like the rainbows," James teased. "But seriously, let me finish. Autumn is obviously the best because even though everything is dying, it goes out beautifully, you know? All the leaves are red and yellow and orange and they're all so beautiful even though they're dying. I hope that when I die, I'm not ugly. Dying ugly would suck. No one would come to my funeral. And then I would have to come back as a ghost and haunt everyone's sorry asses."_

Although James had turned it into something funny in the end, the words still stuck with Logan every time autumn rolled around. James himself probably didn't even remember saying it to Logan but Logan would always remember it. Now it was October and it was officially autumn. All of the leaves were already dead but as he made his way to James, Logan stared at his feet and took a few moments to appreciate the colorful leaves as he stepped on them. They really _were_ beautiful.

And as he finally got to James' grave, he knew that James' wish of dying while he was beautiful came true.

Of course, Logan knew that James could never die ugly.

The leaves had covered the ground that lay on top of James and it made Logan mad in a way. Sure, they were beautiful, but they had no right to cover the most beautiful person in the world. He sunk to his knees and gently moved all of the leaves away from the still slightly raised ground.

Once Logan was convinced that all of the leaves were off James' grave, he slowly pulled his legs out from underneath him and sat cross legged before James' grave.

"Hi James," Logan finally said, placing a hand on the ground as if that would make it so James could hear him. He took a deep breath and then continued. "I'm really sorry that I haven't visited you yet. It's just—it's so hard. Even now it's hard to make the words come out. It's probably because I look like an idiot, sitting here on the grass and talking to a pile of dirt.

"But I don't care how stupid I look," Logan informed the ground. "I needed to come here and let you know why you'll be seeing me really soon."

Logan choked on a sob and it took several minutes for him to compose himself well enough to continue. "Look, I know you wanted for me to carry on without you and move on with my life, but I can't. Maybe it hasn't been long enough, I don't know. But I do know that it's only been three months and I can't—I can't live without you. I miss you too much and I know it's selfish and stupid and I hope you don't think I'm a bad person hate me for it."

He watched as the tears from his face fell into the dirt beneath him, disappearing into the ground. "It's your fault, anyway," Logan said, suddenly angry. "They gave you six months and you barely took one! What kind of person does that make you?"

Logan wrapped his arms around his torso then, trying to hold in the sobs he knew were coming. But he ended up failing when one broke past the wall he had carefully built up and soon he was sobbing uncontrollably. "What did I do to make you leave me?" He asked, hardly caring that his words weren't coming out coherently. "Why did you leave me, James? What did I do to deserve this?"

But his questions were meant with silence, and that made the pain even worse.

Thankfully the sobs soon stopped wracking his body and he was able to breathe normally, consequently making his speech clearer. "I'm sorry," He said, wiping at any remaining wetness on his face. "I know you hate it when I cry."

There was still no response, but Logan continued anyway. "And I really am sorry for what I'm going to do. I know this is the last thing you want for me but it's the only thing I want. I hope you can forgive me."

Logan sighed, running his hand over the dirt in front of him. He was glad that grass hadn't had the opportunity to grow there yet because then it would be yet another barrier between him and James. But it didn't really matter, anyway. All of the barriers between them would be gone in a matter of hours.

He stood up to leave but stopped for a moment. "I love you," He said quietly. "So much. More than you'll ever know."

As Logan brushed himself off and turned to walk away from the grave, he felt bad for not bringing James flowers or anything of that sort. He looked around desperately to see if there were any flowers planted in the graveyard that he could pull, but his eyes landed on something much better.

Logan walked the short distance and bent down to retrieve the leaf. Upon closer examination, it wasn't as perfect as it had looked from far away. Sure it was red and it definitely looked like a heart, but there were pieces broken off and two holes in the middle. That and one side was slightly bigger than the other. But to Logan, it was perfect.

Smiling, he walked back to James' grave and carefully placed the leaf on top of the raised ground. "See you soon," Logan whispered.

* * *

"Logan?" Kendall called from outside his friend's door, a dinner plate in his hands. Logan hadn't come down for dinner when Kendall called and Carlos, worried, went with Kendall up to the room that Logan and James used to share.

"We brought you some dinner, Logie," Carlos added after a minute of no answer.

Logan groaned in response but rolled out of bed anyway, literally dragging himself across the dark room and to the door. He unlocked it and then opened it halfway, asking, "Yeah?" His voice was croaked from crying and from not using it since the day before. He tried not to notice his two friend's reactions to his appearance.

Logan looked absolutely horrible. His hair was messy and there were bags underneath his eyes, which were red-rimmed and puffy. But the worst thing was actually looking_ into_ his eyes; it was like watching a puppy get kicked or seeing someone get beaten. It was hardly pleasant.

"We brought you some dinner," Carlos repeated, his voice softer this time. His eyes flickered from the plate and back to Logan.

Logan tried to smile but it ended up looking forced, which it was. "Thanks," He whispered, taking the plate from Kendall's hand.

He was going to return into the dark depths of his room and ignore his dinner completely, but to his despair Kendall caught the door before he could close it. Sighing, Logan returned to his bed and tried not to squint as Carlos turned the light on.

Kendall crossed his arms and looked at Logan expectantly. "You need to eat, Logan," He said, gesturing with his head to the plate in Logan's hands.

Logan sighed again, this time more loudly. He picked up a piece of dinosaur chicken and bit off the head. Still chewing, he said, "Yummy. All done."

Both Kendall and Carlos rolled their eyes and sat down on either side of their friend.

"You need to take more than one bite, Logan," Kendall told him matter-of-factly.

Carlos nodded in agreement. "Yeah, James wouldn't want you to stop eating on his behalf." Kendall and Carlos tried not to notice the way Logan flinched and visibly became more upset at the mention of James' name.

"I'm just not hungry," Logan said, forcing another smile. "I'll eat later, I promise." He put the plate on the bedside table next to him, moving around Carlos and Kendall as he lay back down with his back facing them.

Kendall sighed, putting his hand on Logan's shoulder. "Logan, you can't do this to yourself," He said. "Locked in a dark room all day isn't the way to go about this. Think about it, Logie. James wouldn't want you to act like this."

Logan turned his head and looked at Kendall with such a broken gaze that the blonde boy flinched. "Yeah? Well James isn't here, Kendall," Logan informed him. "And don't talk about him in past tense. He only—" He paused for a minute to compose himself. "He only died yesterday."

Carlos put his face in his hands, trying his best to keep his tears at bay. Suddenly he got up and made his way to the other side of the bed to talk to Logan more properly. "Logan," Carlos said sitting down. "I know it's hard—"

"Don't sit there," Logan interrupted, almost instantaneously crying as he saw where Carlos had moved to. "That's James' side of the bed. Only James can be there."

Carlos immediately sat up, as if the spot had burned him. "Logan, I didn't know. I'm sorry—"

"Can you guys please just leave?" Logan asked, interrupting again. "I just want to be alone."

Kendall and Carlos exchanged a look and when Kendall nodded curtly, Carlos sighed. "Alright, just—call us if you need anything, Logie. Alright?"

Logan nodded as Carlos made his way toward the door. "Hang in there, buddy," Kendall said before both he and Carlos left the room, shutting the door softly behind them.

Letting out a small sob, Logan turned his head into his pillow and began to cry. It had almost been twenty-four hours since James had passed and ever since Logan had felt like a huge piece of him was missing.

Slowly opening his eyes, Logan found his gaze locked onto the pillow lying innocently next to him. Reaching out with a shaky hand, Logan grabbed the pillow and pulled it closer to him. He moved his face from his own pillow to James' and inhaled deeply, savoring the scent of 'Cuda products. His late boyfriend wasn't the only one to use the line of hair care, but Logan felt like the smell defined James and only James.

Logan fell asleep that night with no tears left, clutching onto James' pillow for dear life.

* * *

After making sure there were no traces left of him ever crying, Logan made his way out his car and to the front door of the house he, Kendall and Carlos shared, jiggling his house keys in one hand. As he unlocked the door, he wasn't sure if Kendall and Carlos were home. It would make his plan a lot easier if they were out and about doing random things.

But when he opened the door, he was immediately faced with Kendall, whose face was flushed with his swollen lips formed into a smile. "H_eeeeey_, Logan!" He said nervously, hand flying to the back of his neck to rub it awkwardly. Logan's eyebrows raised as he shut the door behind him, walking past Kendall and into the kitchen where he tossed his keys on the table. "Where have you been?" Kendall asked from behind him.

Logan turned to him and tried not to look horribly depressed. "I was, uh," He cleared his throat, crossing his arms as he did so. "I was visiting James' grave."

Kendall's face softened and the blush faded from his cheeks. "Aw, Logan," He said, his voice sad. "Why didn't you tell us? We all could have gone together."

"I needed to see him alone," Logan said. "Maybe another time?" Logan hoped Kendall shot down the last part, because Logan himself knew that it wasn't ever going to happen. He tried to hide his guilt by smiling at Kendall, the forced action natural to him by now.

Kendall nodded, saying, "Yeah, that would be great." They fell into a few moments of awkward silence until Kendall broke it again. "Is the headstone there yet?"

"No," Logan said, shaking his head. "I'm sort of afraid for when it does come, though. It'll be weird seeing both of our names on there, you know?"

"Yeah," Kendall agreed, running a hand through his hair. "How do they even go about that anyway? Putting your death date on the stone, I mean. Do they just rip it up when you die?"

Logan shrugged. "I guess so. I mean, it's not like they'll take their materials to the grave site and just carve the date into the stone."

Kendall nodded again. "I'm scared for when the stone comes in," He admitted. "It's going to be…weird. Because like, the birth date and death date will be the same. And I guess it'll make everything more final, you know? I don't want it to be finalized."

"Neither do I," Logan said. He knew he was going to start bawling any minute unless they changed the subject. "So, where's Carlos?"

The blush returned to Kendall's cheeks immediately and Logan had to stop himself from smirking. Well, that was one way to change the subject. "Why would I know?" Kendall asked, awkwardly shoving his hands into his pockets. "Why would you even ask me? I don't know where Carlos is. I never know where Carlos is. Nope, he could be climbing Mount Everest and I wouldn't even notice he was gone."

Logan had to stop himself from smirking. "Really? Because I'm pretty sure you blushing and stammering like an idiot means you know _exactly_ where Carlos is." Logan sighed. "Kendall, I know about you two. You don't need to hide it from me."

Kendall's face reddened even more. "We thought you didn't notice," He said sheepishly, his hand going to the back of his neck again to rub at it awkwardly.

"Kendall, it's really obvious," Logan informed him. "And honestly, I'm offended that you think I wouldn't notice. Your lips are always swollen, you're attached at the hip, and sometimes you look at him like you just want to rape him with your eyes. I mean, even James—" Logan stopped immediately, realizing what he just said. It was okay to think about James when he was alone, or to use his name when he was talking to his grave, but in public? No one had spoken his name in their house since the funeral. "Even James knew about you two," Logan finished quietly.

"Oh," Kendall muttered, not really knowing what else to say. "I mean, we didn't tell you because we didn't want you to feel left out and—"

"Kendall, it's fine," Logan interrupted. "Really. I'm going to go lay down, take a nap or something. It's been a long day."

Instinctively, Kendall glanced at the clock, expecting the time to be past five at least. But he saw that it was only noon. He was temporarily confused for a moment before he remembered the date. "It's the three month anniversary, isn't it?"

Logan nodded, feeling like someone had just cut off his ability to speak. But soon he found the strength to form words and he said, "Yeah. It is."

Kendall bit his lip and nodded as well, taking a step forward and placing a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Logan, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask me or Carlos, okay?" Upon seeing Logan nod again, Kendall visibly relaxed, and then pulled Logan into a hug.

At first Logan was surprised by the action and he stiffened at the contact. He wasn't used to people touching him anymore. But Kendall was stubborn and Logan knew he wouldn't let go until Logan hugged back. So he did, wrapping his arms around Kendall and pulling him closer. After a few moments Logan realized that he actually liked the hug. It made him feel safe and even happy, something he hadn't felt in months.

"Carlos and I are so proud of you, buddy," Kendall said into his shoulder. "You're taking this whole thing a lot better than we thought you would."

Logan immediately felt guilt swell in his gut and he wanted to cry. He could only imagine how disappointed Kendall and Carlos would be if they found out what he was going to do. So he didn't say anything, not trusting his voice. He knew that if he talked, he would spill absolutely everything and then his friends would force him to see a counselor of some sort.

He didn't want therapy. He wanted James.

He pulled away from Kendall then, dropping his arms and smiling tightly. "Thanks," He whispered, clamping his mouth shut immediately after.

Kendall patted his shoulder. "You go get some rest, okay? Maybe we can all do something together later."

Logan nodded but didn't verbally respond, already on his way back to he and James' room. Okay, so Kendall had ruined his plans of grabbing a knife from the kitchen drawer. Logan knew it would look extremely suspicious if he took a steak knife into his room with him and locked the door. But he knew exactly how this problem could be solved.

When he entered his room he shut the door quietly behind him, locking it before he made his way to what used to be James' side of the room. Logan slowly sank down to his knees once he reached James' bedside table, pulling open the drawer carefully and looking at the contents.

His heart constricted painfully as he sorted through the various items. He found at least a dozen bandanas in the drawer, all of them in different colors. He even found an extensive amount of purple ones, one of them with eye holes cut out and meant to be used as a mask.

"Bandana Man," Logan whispered, smiling softly. He gently placed the mask down and continued rummaging through James' belongings.

He found numerous combs, but he knew that none of them were James' _lucky_ comb. That had been buried with him, along with several pictures of the four of them together and even some of just James and Logan. Logan was pretty sure there were even a few bandanas and head shots thrown in there, just so James would have everything he needed with him even though he couldn't use it.

Pulling out of his thoughts and returning his attention to the drawer, Logan found what he had been looking for: James' pocket knife. James used to carry the object around with him everywhere, but in the last few weeks of his life he had stopped going places due to being too tired and weak to go anywhere but around the house. The thought made Logan sad but he pulled the knife out of the drawer anyway, replacing the rest of the contents in their rightful places and shutting it before making sitting on the bed.

After a few moments Logan realized that he wasn't on his side of the bed; he was on James' side of the bed. He always avoided this side, strictly sticking to one side of the bed even though he could have had a lot more space if he used both. But it just felt wrong to take up James' space while he was sleeping.

But this? This felt right. It felt like he was _supposed_ to die on James' side of the bed.

Smiling, Logan took one look at the object in his hand and knew that it would bring him to a much better place. A place with James, a place where he could finally be happy.

Logan turned the pocket knife over in his hands, pausing every few moments to stare at the blade thoughtfully.

He could do this, he knew he could. He knew that most people who attempted suicide by cutting slit their wrists by making horizontal cuts across their arms, but Logan knew that the more effective way was to "go down the stream, not across the river." He had learned it in his sophomore year in Health and oddly enough, the fact had stayed with him through his adult years.

He was going to do this. He needed to be with James, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't think of any other way to keep on living without James. It hurt too much. Logan was perfectly aware that his own selfish actions would hurt Carlos and Kendall in turn, but he knew they would be okay in the end. He was going to disappoint them even more if he kept on living, and he knew this would be better for everyone, not just himself.

Logan pressed the tip of the blade against the middle of his wrist, right where he could see a blue line that signified where his vein started. Pressing down on the blade harder, Logan dragged the instrument directly down his skin, wincing at the pain it caused him.

After making a deep cut about one third of the way down his arm, Logan switched the blade to his other hand. Again, he started at the very beginning of the vein and pressed down hard, making a deep scarlet line that went a third of the way down his wrist.

Both cuts were bleeding profusely already and Logan watched in amazement as the scarlet flowed down his arms and onto his hands, staining everything they came into contact with a deep red. When he looked down at the comforter he noticed that some of the blood had gotten on it as well, making red spots appear on the otherwise clean white blanket.

Even though almost every part of him was bloody, Logan smiled. With each second that ticked by there was more and more blood flowing out of his body, and as each drop left him he could feel life leaving him as well.

He suddenly felt very tried, his eyelids each weighing twenty pounds each. A smile still on his face, he closed them immediately, already feeling his consciousness slipping.

This was it. He was dying. In a matter of minutes, he wouldn't be aware of anything anymore.

He was dying. He was dying. He was _dying_.

And one final thought coursed through Logan's mind: _Yes_.

…

Carlos nearly skipped to Logan's room, trying not to bounce off the walls with excitement. Kendall had informed him that Logan resorted to taking a nap several hours ago but that he would hang out with Carlos and Kendall later. This excited Carlos to no end because Logan hardly ever came out of his room anymore, leaving Kendall and Carlos to do things on their own.

But Logan was going to hang out with them! Carlos had proposed the idea of Monopoly to Kendall and Kendall had agreed, knowing that it was Logan's favorite board game. Now Kendall was setting everything up in the living room, getting out the boot piece for himself, the dog piece for Carlos, and the iron out for Logan. When James played with them he was always the car, saying that the little figurine was the kind of car he was going to drive around in once he was famous despite its old fashioned appearance. Kendall felt a pang of sorrow in his chest when he put the piece back in the box, knowing that it would never be used by any of them again.

Carlos finally made it to Logan's door and knocked loudly. "Logie, come on!" Carlos nearly screamed in excitement. "We're gonna play Monopoly."

But there was no answer. Logan must still be sleeping. Carlos decided to try again.

"Logan? Come on, man. You have to get up! You can't sleep the whole day away, dude." But still, Carlos was left unanswered.

Eyebrows furrowing in confusion, Carlos bent back a little to peer under the door. His confusion deepened when he saw light shining underneath the crack, signifying that Logan was still awake. Either Logan had suddenly developed a habit for sleeping with the lights on or he just didn't hear Carlos. Carlos tried the doorknob only to find that it was locked.

Sighing, Carlos stood on his tip toes and ran his hand across the top of the doorframe, knocking the small key-like object they used to pick locks in the house on the floor. He bent down to retrieve it and promptly shoved it into the little hole in the doorknob, messing around with it for a few seconds before he heard a _click_ and was able to open the door.

When he did open the door, he wished he hadn't.

He was met with a gory sight and he wished that he could just run away and pretend like none of this ever happened. But it did, and there was Logan before him, pale, bloody, and obviously not moving. After his brain comprehended what these factors meant, he let out the loudest scream he could muster, not even able to form Kendall's name in his panic.

Carlos heard Kendall stomping up the stairs quickly, asking, "Carlos? What is it?" As he made his way as quickly as possible to his boyfriend. Soon Carlos could hear Kendall right behind him and Kendall said, "Carlos, what—Jesus _Christ_."

Obviously Kendall had noticed what happened but Carlos didn't even notice that Kendall was in the room. All Carlos could manage at the moment were these strange noises coming from the back of his throat, and they sounded foreign and it scared Kendall.

Carlos looked like he was about to break down any minute and Kendall took that as a sign to get him the hell out of there. Looking away from the bloody mess that was Logan, Kendall wrapped his arms around Carlos' shoulders and forcibly turned him around, taking him away from Logan, away from the horror that could be found in their friends' room.

The minute they were in the hall Carlos broke down, collapsing onto the ground into a fit of sobs and repeating Logan's name over and over again. Kendall sat wordlessly beside him, drawing his boyfriend's body closer to his own and placing his lips to the top of Carlos' head, feeling sobs wrack both of their frames.

Kendall couldn't help but think that somewhere along the line, he and Carlos had done something horribly wrong. Something to push Logan over the edge, something to make him think that his life wasn't worth living anymore.

Not only had they broken their promise to James, they had broken their promise to themselves. And now Kendall felt like he had been slammed into the boards nineteen times because when you break a promise, you break a heart. And he knew that if all four of them were still together, not one of them would have a heart that was whole.

* * *

Logan was having an absolutely wonderful dream. He didn't know where he was or how he had gotten there, but all he knew was that wherever he was made him happy. He didn't feel any pain or heartbreak and he felt as though he were floating on a cloud. It would have been the best experience in the world if it weren't for someone gently shaking his shoulder, trying to take him away from this incredible place.

A voice called out to him but Logan felt like his ears were stuffed with cotton. But from what he could tell, the voice was nearly angelic; it was more beautiful than anything he had ever heard. Surely the owner of this voice must be beautiful as well.

Slowly but surely, Logan felt the fog that had covered his senses begin to clear, and the voice became clearer as well. Soon Logan registered that the voice was calling out _his_ name, and shortly thereafter, he realized that this person wanted nothing more but for him to wake up.

And when the fog cleared even more, Logan knew exactly who was calling out to him.

"Logan?" James asked, and then Logan's shoulder shook. He realized that it had been James who was shaking him, James who wanted him to leave his wonderful dream and join him wherever the hell they were. "Come on, wake up."

Though his eyelids felt like they were five pounds each, Logan slowly found the strength to slowly open his eyes. When they did and Logan's vision focused, he saw James' face hovering over his own.

Logan squinted and then blinked, knowing that this had to be a dream. How could it not be? James was dead. He had been for three months.

"James?" Logan asked unsurely. He had been afraid to speak beforehand in case James might disappear once he spoke. But James was still there, his worried expression turning into a sad smile.

"Yeah, Logan," James told him. "It's me."

James sat back on his heels as Logan pushed himself into a sitting position. "Are you real?" Logan asked quietly, looking down as his cheeks slightly reddened. He felt like an idiot for asking the question because James was obviously there with him, but he could easily be hallucinating. It wouldn't be the first time it happened.

When Logan looked back up he saw James nod. "Yes, I'm real," James whispered. There was something slightly off about James that he couldn't quite place; he looked terribly sad but incredibly happy at the same time. It confused Logan thoroughly, but that was the last thing on his mind right now because it was _James_ and he was _real_. Logan wasn't hallucinating or anything. It was really James sitting before him.

"James!" Logan exclaimed, smiling genuinely for the first time in months. He flung himself onto his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around James' neck and bringing them both to the grass. Logan wasted no time in attaching his lips to James', kissing him feverishly.

James chuckled against Logan's lips but returned the kiss, placing his hands on either side of Logan's waist. "I missed you," Logan breathed, kissing James after every word. "_So _much," He finished, smiling but continuing his attack on James' lips.

James kissed back halfheartedly, enjoying the contact but knowing that he shouldn't be receiving it, not now. After Logan deemed it appropriate to try and rape James' mouth with his tongue, James pushed Logan off of him, turning his head to see Logan staring at him with a confused look on his face.

But James ignored the confused look Logan shot him and stood up, walking away from his now puzzled boyfriend sitting on the grass.

"What's wrong?" Logan asked from behind him.

James turned on his heel so quickly that he made himself dizzy. "_This_," James said, gesturing between himself and Logan. "This is wrong."

Logan's face fell and he felt like he wanted to throw up. "What—" He stopped himself and swallowed past the lump that had formed in his throat, standing up as he did so. "What do you mean?"

"What I mean is," James said, by Logan's side in an instant. "Is that you shouldn't be here. Do you know why you can be with me right now, Logan?"

The boy in question shook his head, a little afraid of what the answer might be. Maybe this was the reason why James had looked upset before.

"You're here because you're dead," James told him, and Logan watched wordlessly as James wrapped his fingers lightly around Logan's wrist and brought it close enough for him to see. Logan kept his eyes on James' expression as James pulled up Logan's sleeve and traced the scar that went vertically almost halfway down Logan's arm, following the lines of his vein almost perfectly. "You killed yourself, Logan. I hope you're happy."

Logan kept looking at James, desperate to meet his eyes, but James was still staring at Logan's wrist. He suddenly dropped it and traded it for Logan's other, finding an identical scar making an appearance on Logan's other forearm. James shook his head, and Logan could tell that James wasn't very happy. He was right.

"You little twerp," James muttered, running his fingers over the raised line. He looked up at Logan then, and Logan could see all of the hurt contained in James' eyes. "How could you, Logan?" James asked. "You had such a great life ahead of you. You were going to be a doctor. _A doctor_, Logan. I guess that's how you knew the most efficient way to commit suicide."

"James, I—" Logan began, but James wouldn't let him get a word in.

"You what, Logan?" James spat, and Logan flinched at his tone. "You're sorry? If you were sorry then you wouldn't have done it. It's just—I can't believe you, Logan. Did you ever stop to think about how this would have affected Kendall and Carlos? I mean, they already lost one friend. They didn't need this."

Logan tried his best not to cry as James continued.

"They probably feel like it's their fault, Logan," James said. "I asked them to look after you and then you went and had to be stupid. Well it's not their fault, Logan. It's yours. You didn't think and look where that got you."

Logan could feel tears forming in his eyes. "I'm not the only guilty party here, James!" He nearly screamed, ripping his arm away from James' hold. "You left me. The doctors gave you six months to live and you didn't even take them. We could have had five extra months together! But _no_, you just had to die. You had to fucking leave me in the middle of the goddamn _Lion King_ with no warning whatsoever!"

"It wasn't exactly my choice, Logan!" James defended. "This is cancer we're talking about. It's not like I could've just turned if off when I wanted to! And believe me, Logan, I wanted to. I would give anything to spend those last five months with you. But it's a little too late now, don't you think? You killed yourself, you little punk! I didn't have a say in the matter. But _you_ did. And you chose to die, Logan. Do you know how mad I am at you right now?"

Logan didn't even try to stop the tears this time. Instead, he let them roll down his face freely, not caring if James saw them or not. "Well if you hate me so much, why didn't you tell me in the first place?" Logan asked coldly, backing away from James. "Then we could have skipped this whole fight and pretending you care about me ordeal."

The last of James' anger evaporated into thin air. "Logie, I never said I hated you," James said, taking a step closer to Logan and wiping the tears that had fallen. "And if this fight told you anything, it's that I care about you _too_ much. All I wanted for you was to forget about me, move on with your life and find happiness in someone else. I wanted to see you become that successful doctor you had always dreamed of being. I'm only mad because you threw that all away just to be with me. It makes me feel incredibly selfish, Logan, because it's like I've stolen you away from everyone else."

Logan smiled softly. "But James, I don't think you realized that once you died, a part of me died. It sounds corny and stupid, but I seriously couldn't live without you. There was no point in me living because I wasn't going to enjoy life without you in it."

James chuckled despite the situation. "You're still an idiot," He whispered.

"That's okay," Logan told him. "As long as I get to be with you."

They stood in silence for a moment, simply enjoying each other's company until James smiled cockily. "What is it?" Logan asked, smirking.

"Well…" James began. "We never _did_ get to make-out on my birthday. Dying sort of ruins plans sometimes, you know? And I think, given the circumstances, we should—"

His words were swallowed by Logan's lips moving slowly against his own. But James didn't care about the interruption as he smiled into the kiss, placing his hands on Logan's waist and pulling his smaller frame impossibly closer

And maybe it was totally wrong, but James was glad that Logan couldn't live without him.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **James died at 10:17, just do you know. Because I started watching _The Lion King_ at 9:45 and it was the VHS version, the one where Zazu doesn't sing that _stupid_ Morning Report song. It's much better when he's just talking. BUT ANYWAY. Mufasa died at 10:17. Legitimately. So James died at 10:17. Because they were obviously watching it on VHS. :3

Okay sorry if I just like murdered Jagan because haha, I personally think all of the romance sucks. And I like how I just added some random Kendall and Carlos shit. What's that called? Kenlos? Sounds stupid. I'm gonna have to bite that shit in the butt.

So this is longer 'Why I'm Home' and that one took me like four months to write and this one has taken me around a week. So let's just say I worked really really really hard on this and I stayed up until 2:30 in the morning on a school night to write a lot of it and I hope that if you hate it you at least appreciate that I worked hard. Hahaha.

Oh and the title comes from Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. And of course it's ironic because I'm a bitch. Don't even deny it. Those of you who've read my other crap know that I'm really, really mean. But just saying like, please don't ask me to continue this. This is a one shot and it's going to stay that way.

Really. Could you please review if you read this? Because I honestly hate it when people favorite and don't review and I get depressed and feel like I wasted my time on this. So even if you tell me you hate this, just say it in a review. Seriously.


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